Santa Had a Heart Attack

from by Smashy Claw

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lyrics

Oh boy, don’t you love consumerism?
All the kids are jonesing for some seasonal junk
Nestled in their beds, hoping Santa’s not far
But guess who just was rushed in to your local ER?

Santa had a heart attack
From some steady build-up of arterial plaque
Santa had a heart attack
The red he once adorned is now an ominous black

Jesus, does it take a genius to see
Constant cookies causes coronary disease
He rates a 67 on the BMI scale
And those former rosy cheeks are looking frighteningly pale

Santa had a heart attack
It’s not all that surprising when you’re that old and fat
Santa had a heart attack
Acute MI is hiding in your sugary snack

Here comes Santa Claus
On a stretcher in the ICU
The roads are icy, as they put in an IV
Maybe a defibrillation or two
He is jumping, his heart ain't pumping
When they place those pads on his chest
The fat man lets out an anguished cry
Pungent with the stench of death

A year has passed since the infamous day
Santa's just a vegetable, which he should've ate
The world lives on as a little bit less
Zipping up the story with a pacemaker chest

credits

from Snow & Sadness, released November 28, 2016

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Smashy Claw Longmont, Colorado

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