Snow & Sadness

by Smashy Claw

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released November 28, 2016

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Smashy Claw Longmont, Colorado

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Track Name: It's Technically Possible That I'll Be Home for Christmas
It is technically possible that I will be home for Christmas
Although unlikely
Theoretically it could happen, but I usually miss it
So don’t plan on me

A blinding house, a tree decked out
A snowman on the lawn, but I’ll be gone
Singing strangers songs

Nameless cities and icy windows, muddy grey on the off-ramp
Missed call blinking light
Spending hours on autopilot, singing lyrics that I have
Sang too many times

A cookie trey, a light display
But someone isn’t there, the stuffing stares
At an empty chair

Searching for a rhyme, some forgotten line
Gotta get the product out on time
Massive sold out crowd, deafeningly loud
But none of them are who I need right now

Some mistletoe with lips below
Are watching on TV so they can see me
Rocking New Year’s Eve
Track Name: Booze, Boobs, Blood, & Blow
Its booze and boobs and blood and blow
That make a merry Christmas
Some booze and boobs and blood and blow
Are all that’s on my wish list

Every holiday I seem to get so very sad
But give me booze and boobs and blood and blow and I’ll be glad

Booze and boobs and blood and blow
Appear each time a bell rings
Some booze and boobs and blood and blow
Are all my favorite things

All I want for Christmas is a gal, beer, drugs and war
Tell me Santa that it isn’t too much to ask for

Come on and get me booze and boobs and blood and blow
Don’t need no lords-a-leaping
Its booze and boobs and blood and blow
That please the baby Jesus

It’s the time of year for peace and love to all mankind
Nix the peace, and add some coke and hops and that’d be fine

Booze, boobs, blood, blow
On wish list
Booze, boobs, blood, blow
Make Christmas
Track Name: Christmunks
Christmas has gone all to hell
Cast upon by Satan’s spell
Those heretic thugs have poisoned this once holy day
But we know that this life’s a test
So joke’s on them, cause when they’re dead
They’ll burn as we high five Yahweh

Jesus died for me and you
The very least that we can do
Is worship his name, or bathe in the flame if we don’t
I can hardly stand the wait
To stand before that pearly gate
And laugh at the heathens below
So Merry Christmas, apostates
We’ll pray for your eternal souls
Track Name: Santa Had a Heart Attack
Oh boy, don’t you love consumerism?
All the kids are jonesing for some seasonal junk
Nestled in their beds, hoping Santa’s not far
But guess who just was rushed in to your local ER?

Santa had a heart attack
From some steady build-up of arterial plaque
Santa had a heart attack
The red he once adorned is now an ominous black

Jesus, does it take a genius to see
Constant cookies causes coronary disease
He rates a 67 on the BMI scale
And those former rosy cheeks are looking frighteningly pale

Santa had a heart attack
It’s not all that surprising when you’re that old and fat
Santa had a heart attack
Acute MI is hiding in your sugary snack

Here comes Santa Claus
On a stretcher in the ICU
The roads are icy, as they put in an IV
Maybe a defibrillation or two
He is jumping, his heart ain't pumping
When they place those pads on his chest
The fat man lets out an anguished cry
Pungent with the stench of death

A year has passed since the infamous day
Santa's just a vegetable, which he should've ate
The world lives on as a little bit less
Zipping up the story with a pacemaker chest